At the initial stage of a relationship and marriage, we are always overflowing with admiration and idealization of our partner. Without knowing him or her at all, we carry a lot of expectations about what our beloved person is like and what the relationship with him or her will be like. In order to stay together, we are willing to put a lot of effort into this relationship. But, gradually, when stability and security arises between us, the amount of effort we put in decreases, intimacy dissipates the “rose-colored glasses effect” and we are overwhelmed by disappointment. At such times, it is important to realize that this is the onset of a normative relationship crisis that can take the couple to the next level.
Famous psychologist, specialist in family relations John Gottman, based on his longitudinal study of the causes of the destruction of marriage came to the conclusion that there are 4 so-called “horsemen of the apocalypse of marriage”. These are 4 ways of behavior in conflict situations of husband, wife or both at once, leading to divorce:
Criticism – quarrels are accompanied by constant remarks and barbs towards the partner.
Contempt – unconscious behavior (eye rolling, sarcasm, ridicule), carrying at its core disgust for their partner.
Defensive behavior – partners constantly accuse each other, justifying themselves and therefore unable to see their mistakes.
Wall – resistance manifested in unwillingness to discuss anything, to be physically near each other, to make efforts to resolve the conflict.
These 4 strategies contribute to a couple getting stuck in a negative cycle of conflict and block constructive discussion of contentious issues. I really like the comparison of partners to aliens. As John Gray argued in his best-selling book Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars. Indeed, each of us grew up in our own particular family system, with its own rules, beliefs, traditions. By joining a couple, we believe that our “Martian” rules and customs are correct, unlike our “Venusian” ones and vice versa. Defending our beliefs, we make a lot of claims, forgetting that in order to be happy, we should be curious about how life is organized on another “planet”, assume that there may be something useful there, reconsider our beliefs and stereotypes that we have imbibed since childhood. In the end, to form a compromise. And for this purpose partners always need to talk to each other not from the position of claim, but from the position of expectation (“I would like you to…”).
Then conflicts will contribute to the growth of the couple and each individual separately, and the marriage will be long and strong.