There are quite a few people in our society who want everyone to like them. And this is a serious problem. And the problem is not in the desire to be liked and accepted by others – it is perfectly normal. The problem lies, first of all, in behavior. That is, a person behaves in a certain way to please others, and does it unconsciously. We can say that this is an external manifestation of the problem. What causes this behavior we will talk about later. And this behavior quite often does not bring the expected results, and quite the contrary, can cause rejection or misunderstanding from others. And secondly, the problem lies even deeper – in the feeling (understanding, realization, you can call it whatever you like) of one’s own value, or rather in its absence. This is, let us conditionally call it, the internal cause of the problem.
In the process of psychotherapy with such a client, we work with both aspects. We start, of course, with the internal causes, the very realization of one’s own value. And this can be a rather complicated and laborious process. The roots of such a problem naturally go back to childhood. A person who experiences such a problem, once, as a child, faced the fact that he is not accepted as he is. And he is not accepted by the closest people – parents or those who replace them. And a small child wants very much to be accepted and loved, it is vital for him.
This situation may look absolutely different, each case is different. But, since then, this person has simply not grown up in some area of his or her life, or maybe in several. He or she, in a sense, has remained at that age and is still trying to be liked and earn acceptance and love. And they do it in the same way they did when they were children. If mom or dad responded approvingly to ingratiation, then such a person in adulthood will ingratiate himself to others. If pleasing worked in childhood, then the person will seek to please, etc. As has already been said, such actions occur unconsciously, and not always have a positive reaction from others.
Such a person may try to please and be accepted by his partner, by his colleagues. He may strive to maximize everyone’s liking, or someone in particular. But, in any case, he needs confirmation of his value from other people. In general, the sense of one’s own value has a great influence on many areas of life, on one’s ability to be both happy and effective. I will touch on this topic many times in my notes.
When such a client finally gets rid of this trauma and realizes his value, his sense of inner satisfaction and freedom increases and he becomes satisfied with himself. He begins to really like himself. This will definitely have a positive effect on behavior, making it more free and natural. If necessary, we additionally work specifically with behavior. His relationships with people change and become better, easier and more satisfying. He is much less concerned about what and to whom he said and how he looked in the eyes of others. He begins to realize that even if he wasn’t perfect, it doesn’t make him less valuable.