Famous psychologist, specialist in family relations John Gottman, based on his longitudinal study of the causes of the destruction of marriage came to the conclusion that there are 4 so-called “horsemen of the apocalypse of marriage”. These are 4 ways of behavior in conflict situations of husband, wife or both at once, leading to divorce:

Criticism – quarrels are accompanied by constant remarks and barbs towards the partner.

Contempt – unconscious behavior (eye rolling, sarcasm, ridicule), carrying at its core disgust for their partner.

Defensive behavior – partners constantly accuse each other, justifying themselves and therefore unable to see their mistakes.

Wall – resistance manifested in unwillingness to discuss anything, to be physically near each other, to make efforts to resolve the conflict.

These 4 strategies contribute to a couple getting stuck in a negative cycle of conflict and block constructive discussion of contentious issues. I really like the comparison of partners to aliens. As John Gray argued in his best-selling book Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars. Indeed, each of us grew up in our own particular family system, with its own rules, beliefs, traditions. By joining a couple, we believe that our “Martian” rules and customs are correct, unlike our “Venusian” ones and vice versa. Defending our beliefs, we make a lot of claims, forgetting that in order to be happy, we should be curious about how life is organized on another “planet”, assume that there may be something useful there, reconsider our beliefs and stereotypes that we have imbibed since childhood. In the end, to form a compromise. And for this purpose partners always need to talk to each other not from the position of claim, but from the position of expectation (“I would like you to…”).

Then conflicts will contribute to the growth of the couple and each individual separately, and the marriage will be long and strong.

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Thanks to a compliment we seem to say to the other “you are, I see you, I emphasize you, I like you”. This is very important, enjoyable and necessary for a person of all ages and status.

But why does this embarrassment happen?

Reactions to compliments are directly related to self-esteem, social experience, and motivation. If significant adults have been telling you since childhood that you are not like that, it is very difficult to believe other words. If our worthiness is demeaned, it’s hard to believe that this other can make me stand out now. If our desires are not valued, it is impossible to feel the sincerity that I can be seen with anything special at all.

One simply doesn’t have the experience of responding with a sense of pleasure. It’s not formed. Instead, it seems to shrink in size because there is an inner critic living inside that will say this is not right, something is wrong here. This critic keeps us from growing, keeps us from building trust, keeps us from being motivated to move forward and create something new together.

What to do about it?

Look at your life, what you have done, what you continue to do, what you want for the future. This is all you can build on. It is your personal ability to cope and live, to desire and achieve. Your creativity. Try to appropriate this authorship for yourself. If you realize that you have done a lot for it, you will find it easier to believe that the other can notice it too. He may like you with it. He sees something special.

Interestingly, when it comes out, then the other becomes visible. He is there too, which means that together you can create something new and beautiful.

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Fear of rejection has a huge impact on our lives. It can hinder adaptation in society, success, love relationships. People who experience this type of fear are afraid to admit their feelings or to defend their own point of view.

Where does it all start?

Many people experienced the fear of rejection as children. Some had parents who were constantly busy and didn’t have time to show up at sporting events to support their child. Some children refused to play together on the playground. It’s at times like these that this fear begins to take hold.

Being rejected is the most unpleasant feeling a child can experience. Even in ancient times, banishment from the tribe was the cruelest punishment. After all, it is much more difficult to survive alone than in a tribe. In situations like this, the human need for approval and acceptance is engendered.

How does the fear of rejection manifest itself in everyday life?

Since we live in society, we often adjust to it. We think how people will react to this or that behavior. What is worth saying and what is better to keep quiet about. What is the best gift to give to the birthday child so that the relationship does not spoil, etc.

Those who are very afraid of being rejected, try to please everyone, be malleable, cannot refuse. As a result, such people develop panic attacks, procrastination, and depression. It is better to be unsuccessful or comfortable than to be rejected or even worse to cause envy in people. Therefore, many people follow the following strategy: “It is easier not to realize plans than to face failure”.

Techniques to improve the situation

During the day, try to keep track of your negative thoughts (concerning you), and capture them in a way that is comfortable for you. Then try rephrasing those thoughts.

• The resulting phrase should describe your behavior, not you as a person. For example: I was feeling irritable toward my friend instead of I was irritable today.
• If your thoughts were about other people, you should not generalize without knowing their true motives. For example: my boss was strict today, instead of my boss hates me.
• Make sure that in the new phrases there are no words of generalization and exaggeration: “always”, “never”, “all”, “quite”, etc.
• It is also worth considering that the reformulated phrases do not contain the particle “not”. For example: I would like to be careful the next time I participate in promotions, instead of I will not fall for any more promotions

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Causes of emotional dependence

• Low self-esteem: Often people who suffer from emotional dependency do not value themselves or their abilities enough. They look for validation of their worth in the outside world, particularly in a partner.
• Fear of loneliness: This fear can be so strong that people are willing to accept any conditions just to stay in a relationship, even if they are not happy with it.
• Incomplete relationship patterns: We learn how to communicate and connect with others by observing adults as children. If these patterns were far from ideal, the person may replicate them in their relationship.

Signs of emotional dependency

Strong attachment to the partner: Constant need for contact, desire to always be close.

Loss of interest in one’s life: All thoughts and actions of the addicted person are connected with the partner.

Fear of loss: Fear of separation that dominates over other feelings.

Lack of autonomy in decision-making: Decisions are made based on the partner’s opinion, even if they conflict with one’s own beliefs and values.

Adjusting to their partner’s needs: Dependent people may agree to things they are not comfortable with in order to maintain the relationship or to avoid upsetting their partner.

Overreacting to changes in the relationship: Emotionally dependent people often worry about small things, overestimate the importance of minor conflicts, and may have frequent mood swings.

Emotional Dependency and Healthy Relationships

Unlike emotional dependency, healthy relationships are characterized by respect, trust, and equality. People can spend time apart, have their own interests, values and aspirations. An important feature of a healthy relationship is the ability of each partner to function independently without requiring constant affirmation of their status or importance.

How to get rid of emotional dependence: psychological techniques

Self-observation technique: Self-analysis and introspection can be very helpful. It is important to note your feelings and thoughts when feelings of addiction arise and reflect on what circumstances trigger them.

Positive Affirmation Technique: Constant affirmation of one’s positive qualities and successes can help improve self-esteem and reduce dependence on the approval of others.

Meditation and Mindfulness Technique: Mindfulness helps one to stay in the present moment and not dwell on relationships. Meditation also helps one to relax and reduce stress levels.

Refocusing Technique: Focusing one’s attention on other aspects of life helps in reducing the level of dependence on the partner. These can be hobbies, career, education, friendships, etc.

Boundary Setting Technique: Setting and maintaining personal boundaries in a relationship can help reduce feelings of dependency, allowing the person to maintain their self-respect and dignity.

Pattern Breaking Technique: This means changing repetitive patterns of behavior in relationships that lead to addiction. This may involve finding new ways of communicating with a partner or changing how one reacts to certain situations.

In conclusion, it’s worth emphasizing that emotional addiction is not a verdict. With the right approach and determination, it is possible to overcome this condition and build a healthy, harmonious relationship.

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